Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Credit: Screen Gems

I watched this movie, yet I don't even know if I can call it a "movie." While video games seem to be more like movies these days, this is more like a video game. In fact, each Resident Evil movie becomes more and more like a game. There was a preview for some new game called Devil May Cry before the movie which featured some guy kicking doors down, blasting baddies while flipping through the air, then speaking the most wooden dialogue while pointing a gun to the head honcho baddie's head. Just repeat that over and over for 90 minutes with a real actor and that's what you get in these Resident Evil movies.

I did learn a few things, though, while watching this latest Resident Evil movie. The first is that while you get further into this film series, it is less and less about zombies. Instead there are giants which wield huge hammers (who even makes those massive weapons?), slimy monsters with their brains exposed, clones that cannot die (unless they drown), and an army of ghoul soldiers. The second thing is that the further you get into this series, the less acting ability is required. Instead its more about sub-par computerized explosions and guns. The only real acting is done by Milla Jovovich, which is really stretching the term "acting." Everybody else recites their lines like a character in a video game, except for a deaf girl who's "scream" is the most terrifying part of the movie. Speaking of terrifying, I finally realized why modern zombies run at top speed. It's because those decades-old Romero zombies just aren't scary anymore. Even those top-speed sprinter zombies from ten years ago aren't scary, so now they've made them so their mouths open to expose killer tentacles. The other thing I realized is that Paul WS Anderson completely lacks the knowledge or skill to film a compelling action sequence. Every "battle" in this movie plays out exactly like this- army of goons march towards good guys and never once stop firing their weapons, while the good guys fire their weapons maybe once or twice between chatting with each other. I wonder if the goons even realized they're the only ones firing? Probably not because this happened repeatedly.

The other day before this movie hit theaters, my friend asked me, "how many Resident Evil movies do we need?" I spat out an answer faster than Milla can fire her weapon; "zero." After 5 movies, it's taken me long enough to realize the real evil of Resident Evil isn't the creepy ghouls nor even Paul WS Anderson, but the legions of fans who flock to these movies every 2 years like salmon who habitually swim upstream.